The Harrowing Adventures of Tim and the Refectory Food, Part VII

Sunday, February 4, 2013

Breakfast

Praise be to Porridge for it shows us the way when times are tough and we feel that we are beginning to go astray. It is the North Star that guides our bodies and our souls.

Lunch

I’ve got nothing snarky to say about lunch today. It was rice and beans.

Dinner

It’s advised that one always be on the lookout. Never let your guard down for even one second otherwise you risk biting into a bean that looks like a bean but is actually a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Sand in this country defies logic and the laws of physics. It has acquired enough intelligence to pack itself into a bean sized ball and to be able to clothe itself in the skin that a bean has shed during cooking and then lie in wait for its unsuspecting victim. It maintains a firm enough façade like a bean to trick even the most discriminating taste buds. Then, when you think the coast is clear and bite down…SPLARLAHGT!...the bean’s discarded skin gives way to the coarse inside of sand that now spreads throughout your mouth faster than lice at a hippie festival. There’s little hope of removing but a few granules. The only thing to do is add more beans to your mouth to dilute the sand enough to swallow. However, you risk another sand attack but these are the tough choices we face daily in Rwanda.

The Harrowing Adventures of Tim and the Refectory Food, Part VI

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Let me first clarify that I have not veered off the bean and starch path. When I said I had 2kg of Nutella and some cough drops as dessert that was months ago in other moments of weakness. This week I’ve managed only to eat what students eat.

Breakfast

L’Etat, c’est Porridge.

Lunch

Wishing to add a little crunch to the otherwise spongy kayunga the cooks threw in some stones. A commendable act, though stones were slightly above the normal crunch I would have preferred (perhaps some fresh green peppers?), nearing more the “medical evacuation to South Africa to procure dentures” kind of crunch.

Dinner

Tonight’s beans were of no note but that in an of itself might actually be enough to write home about but I’ve got nothing.

The Harrowing Adventures of Tim and the Refectory Food, Part V

Friday, February 1, 2013

Breakfast

Porridge is the thick, sticky sustenance that binds us together and makes us strong. May it never acquire flavor and lose its nondescript qualities that make it so great. ¡Vive el Porridge!

Lunch

Today tested what little self-control I have left. I’ve quite literally eaten 2 kilos of Nutella in 2 days because it was available and I had clean spoons (though let’s be honest, clean or not those spoons were going to get used and in the worst way). To be even more candid I should also confess that I’ve sucked on cough drops (on multiple occasions) because they were the closest thing I had to something sweet, so believe me when I say I have long since buried the withered remains of my self-control. It was Hero’s Day today (comparable to Veteran’s Day) and as tradition there was a mind-numbing ceremony for a few hours in the morning (after starting an hour late). Very untraditional though was the lack of meat and beer. I was looking forward to something different (I would have opted for a fanta since that’s what students would have been offered) but the fates had it written in the stars that I would eat another helping of kayunga and bean. What tested me was when we teachers went to a bar afterwards to carry on with the ceremony and start the celebrating (read: drink lots of beer out of students’ sight). Turning down a beer isn’t hard to do but when you’re the only sober one in a small room packed with 25 other people all drinking themselves silly on the school’s dime it takes more than self-control not to find a needle and get alcohol flowing into your bloodstream intravenously so as to feel alcohol’s effects as quickly as possible. Only divine intervention or a coma could prevent me from drinking beer and because I don’t believe in God I’m going to claim that I fell into a coma-like state making it possible to withstand free beer in a setting like this.

Evening Snack

A little extra protein in the form of a bug that flew into my mouth when I was out walking with someone, shortly followed by a bug flying directly into my eye.

Dinner

Ibishyimbo. If I were a better writer I could write something more interesting about eating beans again for the fifth night in a row but I’m not so I won’t. I ate beans for dinner.

The Harrowing Adventures of Tim and the Refectory Food, Part IV

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Breakfast

Long may the reign of Porridge on breakfasts in Gishoma be. May it never falter or fail.

Lunch

The only meal susceptible to change. Potatoes, bread, corn, rice and cassava are all staples of Rwandan diet and a meal without at least one of these is a meal not worth having. Two or more is preferred. All five in one meal would probably be the happiest moment of a Rwandan’s life. Today’s starch was brought to you by rice. With kayunga there’s generally more than enough to go around but for reasons unknown the rice supply was just enough to get by. Beans abounded as usual.

Dinner

Tonight’s beans had a more earthy zest than usual, possibly from the bits of dirt mixed in but it’s nearly impossible to pinpoint the origins of the garnish. Sometimes it’s better to be blissfully ignorant of things lest you find out the answer.

The power to the school went out while we were in the middle of eating and if you hadn’t known what had happened you would have thought that you were watching The Price Is Right because of the loud pitched screams were comparable to a person being called down to the stage to make a bid. Students nearly lost their shit but somehow didn’t lose a beat with eating and just kept going on. I had as easy a time feeding myself as a person who recently had a stroke yet the students kept on peeling their sweet potatoes with the handle of their forks or spoons like the sun was shining right above their heads.