Rwandan Wedding/Relationships

A while back I went to the wedding of the sister of a teacher who used to work at my school and it really made me think of how we in America view relationships compared to here in Rwanda. To put it generally, in America we marry (ostensibly) for love and in Rwanda it’s more a matter of functionality/practicality. Obviously this is way oversimplifying things but I’m just speaking in broad terms. Not everyone in America marries for love and I’m sure there are plenty in Rwanda who hold out for someone they truly want to spend the rest of their life with. But take a look at this following photo:

No one looks happy. Like this marriage is the last thing that anyone wants. When we think of weddings it’s usually a happy, joyous occasion and there usually isn’t a shortage of smiles. Here though it’s considered rude for the bride to smile because it’s seen as leaving her family behind and joining another, thus the deadpan face. This couple did however let the occasional smile slip out, but like most Rwandans in front of a camera it takes a hand with the speed of Superman to catch them.

Some cultural differences about weddings:

§  Having less than 100 guests means your community doesn’t like you or you’re not respected

§  It’s common for people to show up uninvited who you don’t even know (like me, who ended up as the official photographer for the event…)

§  Only intimate friends/family bring gifts

§  Having a wedding not in a church (according to those I’ve spoken with at least) is unheard of

§  Dowries still exist. You either give a cow or the equivalent of the cost of one, though the cow is preferred

§  There are more ceremonial traditions that take place concerning the meeting of families and giving away the bride

§  Women can marry starting at 22 and men at 21

When my friend Rebecca was here we had a good discussion with some of my female students about relationships. The gist of what they said is that they don’t really dance around liking someone. If you like them you tell them and if they feel the same you get married, or wait until you’re both of age to marry.

In the States we hold hands with those we love; it’s a form of affection that’s generally reserved for those with whom we are intimate. Same with kissing. It’s normal to see couples holding hands and giving each other a kiss in public. It’s when you get into heaving petting and the like that it gets taboo. In Rwanda the taboo starts with holding hands. That’s reserved for friendships, which are predominantly same-sex. Two men or two women holding hands is completely normal. Two men/women sitting, legs intertwined, arms stroking one another, completely normal and in no way considered homosexual. The idea just doesn’t come across to them as it does to us. Personal space is virtually nonexistent here too, which I’m sure I’ve lost all concept of and will learn when I return to the States and have some awkward encounter with a stranger.

In Rwanda there still remains a heavy focus on conventional gender roles. Men do the work and women cook, clean and take care of the kids. Things of course are changing but there’s a stark contrast between Rwanda in general and the West (also a huge difference within Rwanda from the village to Kigali, which is never the focus of my generalizations because it’s more Western than Rwandan with certain values and customs). Men and women also don’t hang out together. They stick to their own gender, which is what makes marriage, to me at least, seem like it is meant more to serve a purpose, i.e. child production, than two people coming together who love one another.

In Kinyarwanda the word inshuti translates to friend but has a different connotation. The idea of me, a guy, calling a girl my inshuti means that we are romantically involved. I need to call her my colleague, sister, cousin (though this one is still marriage material), or something else platonic. Whenever I am around another girl it’s inevitable to be asked if we are married or why we aren’t going to get married. Men and women have friendships with one another certainly, but it’s there’s a fine line between friend and friend.

I had a good experience with my host family to see how things are changing with gender roles. When my host mom gave birth the dad stepped up and helped out cooking. The umukozi (helper) and daughter (7 years old) were instrumental in making sure that all loose ends around the house were tied up but the dad really made a concerted effort to help with the absence of the mom. From what I’ve heard of from other PCVs the mom cooks and that’s about it. Whenever I tell people that I cook my own food they almost always do the “eh eh eh,” which is typical in Rwanda to show disbelief, and tell me that it’s a woman’s responsibility to cook.

As Rwanda develops they are taking on more Western values and ideas about gender equality. However, tradition reigns supreme and while women are becoming empowered and climb the political hierarchy they are still generally expected to maintain a good household and cook/clean/raise the children. Men are beginning to do simple, basic things (like cook dinner) but I guarantee it’ll be a long, long time before we see them carrying children on their backs like the women do.